Seeking, Learning and Frustration Tolerance
My partner, a dog behavioral consultant, told me recently that dogs wag their tails in anticipation of something (ball, dinner, scent), but when they find it, their tails stop wagging. It proves what I call the ‘weekend phenomenon,” that the best moment of your whole weekend is Friday morning. The anticipation of something is often better than its actuality. The not-yet-realized is purer, more perfect, and thus more satisfying than the reality. The dream of the vacation is untainted by the reality of a jet-lagged layover at LAX, lost baggage, cramped hotel rooms, overpriced and mediocre restaurants, late trains and crying babies.
In fact, we love our dreams of the world so much, that the best compliment we give to reality is to say it lived up to our dreams.
There is an innate pleasure in seeking, hoping, and desiring that can be more compelling and pleasurable than attaining what we seek. Philosopher Ernst Bloch called it the Principle of Hope, the “not yet conscious”, or the anticipatory element that is so central to human thought. And now, like everything, the biological basis of this has been researched. Jaak Panksepp, an affective neuroscientist at Washington State University, has researched the ‘seeking circuits,’ showing how and why searching itself leads to addiction (clue: dopamine).
But it’s also a serious and painful process. We search for the perfect mate, and judge our partners, friends, colleagues by an illusory ideal. The blog post I envision is always so much better than what comes out on the screen. The leaders we initially get excited about always let us down. But do they let us down, or have we set the bar impossibly high? And is the answer to lower the bar? To give up on dreams? To accept that life can never be more than mediocre? Or do we keep searching, growing ever more addicted to the thrill of the chase, and never settle in any meaningful way, with the people, things, and events around us?
The answer is a little bit of both: to slowly, painstakingly translate the dream into reality. Arnold Mindell describes this process in terms of high and low dreams. The high dream is the perfection we seek, and the low dream is the disappointment and despair we feel when we don’t attain the high dream. But, he says, there is a function to the low dream: it gives the high dream “feet.” We can use our despair to bring the high dream to earth, to help us incarnate the infinite into a finite, messy, and imperfect world.
Whether we are talking about leaders, the world, creativity, work, or romantic partners, there comes a time when we have to bring heaven and earth together. David Schnarch, marital and sex therapist, calls marriage a “people growing machine.” Marriage (or any committed, long term process) teaches you things about yourself you didn’t really want to know. To choose one thing, to stay with something or someone over time forces you to look at yourself, to manage your emotions, to validate yourself, and above all, to tolerate frustration.
The capacity to tolerate frustration, to even like it, is key to learning and to mastery. But it’s not automatic; it’s a deliberate choice because seeking is such a thrill. The pleasure circuits of our brain give us instant rewards for searching. And as long as everything is possible, and not yet tarnished by reality, we won’t be disappointed or depressed. We have to be motivated to give up the perfection of our dreams, and the thrill of the chase because the process of choosing and sticking with one thing brings out the blemishes, doubts, and struggles we know we have to encounter.
I wrote a little article a number of years ago, called “Developing Second Attention at The Edge” and I think I was sniffing around this idea back then. The difficulties, edges, and resistances we encounter are good for us. It’s a reflex to bounce off our edges, like the ball in the pin ball machine, bouncing from one difficulty to the next, and not stopping, focusing, going deeper into the difficulty.
I’m working on a few projects right now that require this muscle. And I’m (re)discovering and appreciating how crucial frustration tolerance is to the learning process. It takes a lot of tolerance to work out a difficult conflict with someone, to haggle through the excruciating details of a project, to take a thought all the way to its conclusion, to unravel a messy emotional response that triggers us. To stop, think, reflect, try again, learn, and engage in the frustrating feedback loop of real learning is actually what humans do best, but oddly enough, it’s also what we’re best at avoiding.
So what are the ingredients of frustration tolerance? How do we become better learners (a common theme in this blog!)? To take a dose of my own medicine, and take this thought to its logical conclusion, here is my initial short list of what it takes to have frustration tolerance.
1. Ability to calm yourself when frustrated. Calming, self-soothing, regulating our emotional responses are vital skills which I believe are learnable.
2. Interest and fascination in what you are doing. This one is innate, I think. A passion for what you are doing allows you to stick with something, to get past the difficulties of mistakes, errors, inability, and to keep learning, even when you are not yet good at something. Sometimes the interest and fascination comes from the love of the thing itself, but some people are just naturally passionate beings whose innate curiosity for things is intrinsically motivating.
3. Patience. I think this, too, is innate, unfortunately. I am incredibly impatient, and this is one of my biggest difficulties in frustration tolerance, to just have patience with the learning process. Of course, innate doesn’t mean it can’t be grown. It can be developed, but it takes a lot of work.
4. Tenacity. Tenacity is a little like patience, and it’s also innate, I think. It’s the ability to really stick, struggle, hang on to something. There’s a little aggression in tenacity, a lot of drive, and even a drop or two of insensitivity. You have to be a little insensitive to your own limits, to negative feedback, and to inner and outer doubts to have tenacity.
4. Focus and concentration. This, like calming, is learnable. It can be cultivated through disciplined practice. And like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
AsI did in my post, Taking the Pulse of Your Learner, I’m taking the pulse of my own capacity to tolerate frustration. If I had to grade myself today on these four ingredients of tolerance frustration, I’d have to admit my overall grade is brought down by my lack of patience, which interferes with focus and concentration. Hmm. C, maybe C+. How about you?
perfect timing. thanks for this insightful post julie. love this: “the high dream is the perfection we seek, and the low dream is the disappointment and despair we feel when we don’t attain the high dream. But, he says, there is a function to the low dream: it gives the high dream “feet.” We can use our despair to bring the high dream to earth, to help us incarnate the infinite into a finite, messy, and imperfect world.” the key is the ‘how’, which i can’t see yet.
gratitude for you, robin
Seeking, learning and frustration tolerance…sounds like raising children. And maybe it is, tending to a high dream is like a child.
I notice that in some ways the low dream for me is accepting what is. Noticing that my high dream, while so necessary, because it seems to be the pull of the future wanting me to awaken, can at times, take me out of the present moment. And I especially don’t want to be in the present moment if it requires frustration tolerance or “sitting in the fire!” However, I think you might find some of the brain research going on in our field applicable and interesting. I’ve been enjoying Daniel Siegl’s work on neurosciences and mindfulness and Bruce Perry’s work in the same area, but as it applies to working with trauma. There seems to be a sequence of development that they both reference, attachment, self regulation (frustration tolerance), affiliation, empathy, tolerance and then respect. The last two levels I’ve heard Bruce Perry say, are one’s that even adults do not always attain. What I see with children, is the inability to self regulate, or tolerate frustration can really interfere with their socialization. I wonder if Caroline observes that among dogs? By the way, I love, LOVE watching the shows where they are working with dogs and now there is a cat “whisperer” too. Love it!
When I think about all your inquiry in regards to transforming power, I think of this stair step of development and how if a person in a position of power can not empathize, or put themselves in the shoes of their enemy, or tolerate differences of course there will not be respect.
But I stray from your last question, how would you rate yourself?
Gosh, I can say that I’ve had better grades then I have lately. I seek to learn and grow, but these days I’m tired and stressed, my mother’s dying and the family dynamics are really challenging my frustration tolerance. BUT if I can look at it from the perspective that my frustration tolerance is getting some “feet” and recognize the finite messy world of it all, maybe it will transform with some calming, curiousity, patience, tenacity and focus! I’m in it to grow, but sometimes I need some “time outs:P”
xoxo Mary
Thanks Mary, Love that you link it to child rearing. it’s such a key to intelligence, this ability to tolerate frustration (and defer gratification). Ah, and of course, the “time out!” great idea, it certainly helps me dealing with frustration. Why don’t adults use that method more with themselves?!
What a wonderful post, Julie. Loved it. I write a whole lot about these very things in regard to romantic relationships in my upcoming book “It Had To Be You…But Why? The Ecstasy, Agony, and Mystery of Romantic Love.” There’s so many things in your post I’d want to underline — but what maybe gave me the greatest thrill was your list of what it takes to have frustration tolerance… It was wonderful to have you put words on the HUGE — let me repeat HUGE — process it has been for me to explore and take my ideas and research around romantic relationships to it’s very conclusion. AND I’ve struggled with each and every one of your “great five” on the way…
It was a wonderful (dopamine releasing) experience to realize how I indeed had wrestled with each one in the process of writing this book — and for this reason I’m truly convinced they are all learnable…
Boy.. did I have to learn to calm myself again and again, wrestled my doubt of being up to the task as I glimpsed the bigger message of of the book but lost the overview… But – check – I did it!
Interest and passion… that was granted… a free-bee…There were unanswered questions inside myself I had to find the answers if I were gonna die a happy woman…SO: “The choiceless” choice!” But to keep the curiosity fresh while wrestling all these I do believe is learnable… So check!
Patience… oh, yeah… But death is such a great motivator… I had no choice but to do this… So I learned patience as I faced, sat with, and suffered through each and every writer’s block.. every confusing moment where I no longer had a clue about what I was doing…. Patience to just sit with these vast “black holes” and just stay there… trusting that by staying it eventually would emerge… And it did! (A painter once told me that in every great painting you can find a “black whole” — a point where the painter was lost — didn’t know what to do next. AND without this black hole the painting would NOT have been great.) So here goes another check…
Tenacity… Oh yes, the ability to pull yourself back up by the boot straps.. back up on the horse after you have considered throwing yourself out the window because you’re just too little for the humongous task… YES! Check to developing the “OK I might not be up to this.. but then I’m friggin’ going to die trying!”
Focus and concentration… I can be incredibly focused and concentrated for hours… that is, as long as I have the direction where I’m heading…. And this one might be the one I’m undecided about…. where the jury still is out… When I loose the overview as the feeble “new” emerges… I can feel incredibly lost in the unknown… and here is my struggle: I am, on the one hand, really good at orienting myself and hanging out in the unknown… on the other, I can get incredibly anxious that I won’t be able to find the direction where to go from here… the next step… so I wander around lost… my brain avoids focusing… and this is where I no longer can discern… Am I procrastinating..? or do deep profound thoughts just need all this space and time to cook..?. Is it me or is it the process…? I don’t know. So this one I’m still learning.. still struggling… and still coming after myself… pushing myself without luck… And very curiously exploring…
So while I — thanks to your post — without hesitation would reward myself with an A+ on the first 4 –and truly feel I have earned every single one (my 10.000 hours according to Gladwell) number 5 still keeps me humble… AND learning.
Thanks, Julie, for a great post. You made my morning.. and gave me a huge gift realizing how proud I am of my own struggle and accomplishment… And while I truly believe I’m writing a great and deeply fascinating book… I just learned that there is another — maybe even greater accomplishment next to the outcome. So thank you so very much. xxx
Jytte I must admit a little grade envy
Motivating for sure, to hear about your A+s! But where you struggle, where you lose focus when things are new and emerging, makes me think there is perhaps a 6th element: faith? Hmm. I might have to redo this!
Wow.. I like that idea! Look forward to your further pondering on this one! I think you’re onto something profound!
I Know that when I am seeking, I am dreaming, hoping. When I am learning I am closer to my frustration, but sometimes when things are connecting the dopamine goes up. Faith is important and I appreciate that reminder. AND there is also being in the moment, which is something that if I really pull myself back into my body, is not about frustration, but brings me back into “noticing” and “curiuosity”. It’s hard to have faith that it will all come together, really hard sometimes. But if I can pull myself back into the presence of my body, the calming, it makes digesting all the other parts more “integrateable” – that is when I “remember”. Paul loves that word, re – member…
Still chewing on this and many others posts.
XO, Mary
Hi Julie and all,
I was following your discussion…. and pondering about the issue and the term we all are using, being aware that it is a common used technical term in psychology: frustration tolerance.
I wonder, why is it „tolerance“?! Why not something more like „frustration acceptance“ – „How good are you at frustration acceptance?“- in the sense of: when I experience a situation as frustrating, I accept the situations and my feelings, embrace them and then work from there? (For me it for example, is helpful to become more clear about my feeling reaction: is it anger, sadness or fear?)
In my experience, if I can find that „accepting“ state inside myself… it opens some space for finding fruitful ways of dealing with the situation. Thus, „acceptance“ – including self-acceptance – that is, accepting and embracing „what is“ and „who I am“ in the moment would be my personal number one ingredient for dealing with frustrating situations.
And trust… trust in what is happening and also in myself, which you mention too, would be my second bpne. If I manage to trust, it keeps me in the flow… and probably also helps with the acceptance….
… As to grading myself, I wouldn’t do it „in general“, wondering: Isn’t it also about finding out more about the frustrating situations where I struggle with „(self)acceptance“ and „trust“ – and to enjoy the moments when I actually manage to find those in myself … and see what comes out of it all…?
Barbara