After moving back to the States in 1990, when I first started working in my practice, I was miserable. I was a beginning therapist and I knew I was too much of a novice to draw any conclusions about my misery. I didn’t know whether I hated my work or whether I just hated being a beginner at it. So I told myself I had to stick it out for 5 years until I knew enough to know the source of my unhappiness.
That was a wise move because it turns out, I love my work. But I hated being a beginner. More specifically, I hated having no freedom. I was intimidated by people, and didn’t feel connected to my own thinking enough. I felt pressured to be smart, to have answers, to be liked and keep clients. And so I didn’t have enough muscle power to speak up, intervene, risk saying things, and possibly be wrong. I didn’t hate my work, I hated being disengaged from my core purpose, creativity, and thinking process. (more…)